Will I ever get tired?

 I wonder if a day will come that I will get tired of everything. 

Tired of trying.
Tired of being kind.

Tired of doing the things I always do with all my heart.

People see me as the hardworking one. The dependable one. The girl who always shows up, who studies hard, who does everything with quality and care. They call it discipline. Determination. Strength.

But what they don’t know is—I’m just trying to survive.

 My brain is in survival mode everyday. I have experienced to be the lowest in my class, I’ve been to the bottom—lazy, depressed, unmotivated. I’ve seen what it’s like to be the lowest in class, to feel like you're fading while everyone else is moving forward. It was horrible. And I swore to myself I’d never go back there again.

So I work. I try. I push myself.

And yet… something still bothers me.

I have a friend whom I treated as my sister. She’s cheerful, kind—and lazy, if we’re being honest. She crams her projects. She reviews on the day of the exam. And somehow… she still manages to score higher than me. 

It’s not jealousy, not exactly. I want to be happy for her. I am happy for her. But somewhere deep inside, a voice whispers: Why do I have to try so hard when others don’t? working hard just to get a high score when she could pull it off with just reading a textbook?

Thoughts started to creep in.

 Do I have skill issue?

Am I stupid?

What is it that I lack? Talent?  

The more thoughts came in...the more I get insecure. I feel stupid for trying so hard and yet I still don't manage to get what I wanted. I thought I had already accepted the fact that sometimes my efforts will be in vain and maybe I did.

But it still hurts me to the core because I have hoped that this effort is enough to walk closer to my dream, enough to prove I am something...Enough to prove that I matter too.

The question remains. Will I ever get tired? 

Maybe someday, yes. 

But my mind says..."No...not today."